I Wish...BUT

I wish...these last five weeks of pregnancy would h.u.r.r.y up
BUT... honestly, I'm gonna miss all this one-on-one time with Kendall.

I wish...I could see my toes again
BUT...I should enjoy propping them up while I can.

I wish...for more spicy Mexican food
BUT... it's not worth the worst self-inflicted indigestion from the other endless night (carrot sticks are more healthy for me anyway)
.
I wish...I could breath again and not look like an idiot out of breath for no reason
BUT...then I'll have to focus on exercise and weight loss.

I wish...my ankles didn't swell at the end of the day
BUT...I enjoy my soaking baths while my husband does my grocery runs.

I wish...didn't feel so black and blue and beaten up on the inside
BUT...every kick reminds me that this future soccer player is strong and healthy.

I wish...Kendall could hold her baby sister already since she's been SO patient
BUT...I'll miss her hugging my belly.

I wish...I hadn't outgrown almost all my maternity clothes already
BUT...I'll appreciate my regular clothes again.

I wish...I could go to the beach this summer
BUT...huffing and puffing across hot sand doesn't sound too appealing (or doable) at the moment so our visit to the local water park will feel like heaven.

I wish...my husband and child would quit shivering with blue lips begging to turn up the air (sissies)
BUT...my bank account will thank me when I'm finally willing (and able).

I wish...I weren't so big fat pregnant in June
BUT...I only have to go through most of July instead of ALL THE WAY to mid September. (Besides, summer birthdays are the best.)

I wish...strangers wouldn't ask so many nosy questions (you're dying to know my due date bc you're planning on sending me flowers in the hospital???)
BUT... it's a reminder of what to say/not to say to others.  (I will give credit to a gentleman at lunch today who told Gabe that he has a beautiful family and congratulations on a brother/sister for our sweet girl.  Now THAT'S an appreciated comment.)

I wish...July 22ish would hurry up
BUT...I know I'll want time to slow down again soon after so I'm just gonna be content in the moment.

I wish...I could hurry up and meet my new little girl
BUT...I know I'll have the rest of my life to love on BOTH my girls.

The Ever Evolving Question

Having walked the road of infertility for three years, I always cringed at prying personal questions and careless, flippant remarks about future children from others (acquaintances and strangers alike) who had no clue what was on the other side of that weighted, nosy question.  I was a master at my poker face even though I died a little on the inside when faced with yet another painful reminder of what I longed for yet didn't have.

So one pro of finally having my heart's longing fulfilled, so I thought, was an end to "The Question".  But then I learned all too quickly that The Question never ends, it just morphs.  Seriously?  I, a new mother who was hormonal, sleep deprived and overwhelmed (along with feeling a little guilty for feeling these things) was being asked about another baby??

Wishful thinking aside that the question would finally die, I wised up a little this time and figured that even though, yes, we tried for another one and were successful, the question would evolve yet again. 

Yep. The newest versions are currently, "So, are you going to try again for that boy?"  "How does your husband feel about another girl?"  Or the best yet..."Your poor husband.  He must be disappointed he's not getting a boy." (Yes, technically that's not formed as a question, but it's ignorant and appalling none the less.)  To which the answers would be respectively "No, we have exactly what our heart's desire was and God's will for us."  "He's thrilled beyond words."  And insert shock and awe face  repeat answer number two.

Really?!  Why would we be less than absolutely thrilled about another girl given that we love our first girl beyond words?  And why is it assumed that all men need a boy to somehow either complete or verify their manhood?  And why the heck would we think our family was incomplete or lacking in some way?  And, yes, if we had a boy we would be just as excited and blessed beyond measure.  Children are a heritage from the Lord.  They are a blessing.  And God predestined our two girls for our family for such a time as this before the foundations of the world existed.  Why would we not be anything other than overjoyed??

Upon airing my grievances over the matter the other day (all the while rolling my eyes) my non-smart-eleck husband (that role is usually reserved for me) had the perfect come back the next time a stranger has the nosiness to ask me a string of personal questions and the audacity to comment so recklessly.

His recommendation:  "Well, he'd be a little more excited if he knew for sure it's his.  We're still waiting on the paternity results."

LOL!  Really?! That's so good that I might not be able to resist the next time a stranger asks.  He did reiterate that it needed to be a stranger whom I'd never see again since I'm basically not painting myself in the BEST light. (So the chick-fil-a cashier is out since we frequent that place too much.  So is anyone from church or the neighborhood.) But I'm so proud of my husband and too much of a smart you-know-what myself, that I just might have to try it if the opportunity presents itself.  It just might be too much fun considering the shock value to pass up.

Subtle hint:  Don't ask random women in public if they're pregnant.  (You just could be wrong and then you'll just be plain embarrassed.) And don't follow up with asking gender/due date/name etc.  It's none of your business.  Simply congratulate them (only if you're 100% certain they indeed are pregnant) and they'll disclose as much personal information they choose.  But DO:  hold the door for them, give them your seat, and allow them to maneuver their big belly and three-year-old into the larger, handicap bathroom stall rather than being selfish and taking it for yourself.

Sweet Anticipation - Expecting Kendall

Several of my out of town friends asked for pictures of my baby bump. Well, I never posted any at the time. But I figured I'd share some pics and some thoughts with you that I scrapbooked in Kendall's first album.

Expecting is...

... taking a fourth pregnancy test - just to make sure

... asking the doctor if everything is okay and letting out a sigh of relief when you're told that it is

... holding your breath at the first ultrasound until you hear the heartbeat

... the excitement on your parents' faces when they find out they will be grandparents

... imagining who the little person inside you will be. Will she look like me? What is her soul's purpose?

... crying over sappy commercials and endearing news stories

... touching your growing belly, thrilled by every hiccup and kick

... thanking God for such a miracle and learning the meaning of praying without ceasing

... picking out paint colors and nursery furniture

... nausea, swollen ankles, and back pain. As real and intense as they are, though, they're still no comparison to your joy and excitement

... enjoying all the lavished attention

... realizing that your life is not your own, your world will be turned upside down - and welcoming the thought

... the surrendering of your own will. It's letting go of how you think things should be and trusting God to fill in the blanks. When you surrender, you let God take control, realizing that He is the Creator and the Sustainer of life. He loves your child even more than you possibly could. He has a plan for your child and He will be faithful to lead and guide you both as it unfolds. In the moment of surrender your heart softens and trusts beyond all of your mental capability, you find freedom with no expectations as you become fully embraced by God's unconditional love.

Hmmm, I'm getting an idea for another post: "Motherhood..."

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

I've been tagged by my friend, Danielle. She found this on a blog, copied it onto hers and played along.

ANYWAY, here's what you do:
You go to your picture folder, open the fourth folder, and then choose the fourth picture, post it, and then explain why it's significant.

Well, do I even need to explain the significance of this priceless picture?? Well, Danielle, you asked! I will attempt to put words to the most precious moment of my life which left me speechless.

Kendall is such an answer to much, much prayer. She is our miracle, our precious gift from God, who has shown Himself to me in many ways this past few years. As much as none of us like trials or waiting (yuck!), it is during these seasons of life that we grow and experience God's love and faithfulness in ways we couldn't otherwise. In James' words, "Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. " (James 1:2) Kendall is tangible evidence to me of God's tremendous love and sovereignty. He is the Author and Creator of life. He sustains and upholds all things. And by Him and through Him are all things made.

As I held my precious daughter for the first time - a moment that at times I wondered would ever come to pass - I held God's fulfilled promise. Yes, there were times of doubt and uncertainty. Yes, there were times of heartache and longing. But having walked through the journey I am met once again by God's exceeding riches, abundant love and amazing grace.

If anyone is holding on to a yet-to-be-fulfilled longing, trust God's heart. We may not know the reason. We surely won't like the dry season in which we find ourselves, but God works all things for the good of those who love Him. His ways are not our ways, His thoughts not our thoughts. But oh how He longs to lavish His love on those who trust in Him. Just as I know more than Kendall, love her beyond measure and occasionally will have to do things in her best interest that she may not like or understand, how much more so does our perfect heavenly Father do the same for us? I am glad He is in control. And I am thankful even more so for His love.

Besides, sometimes God's "no" is for a "greater yes". Just maybe God has even more blessings in store for you than you have yet imagined.