Character Building...(uugh)

I'm so OCD I like to refer to my condition as CDO since placing the letters in alphabetical order just seems more right to me. I'm big on numbers.  That's why I had such a hard time turning twenty-five (it rounds up rather than down) and ...gasp...thirty just sent me into a tailspin. (By the way, I just celebrated the fourth anniversary of my thirtieth birthday as I choose to look at it.) That's also why I count stairs.  I can't not count them even when I purposefully try not to.  Everything in me just has to count them.  And I can't tell you how many times I've counted the little decorative slats in the church sanctuary during sermons just in case they changed recently.  They haven't.  I'm aware of my condition and I have come to acceptance of it.

Though I jest (it doesn't rule my whole life by any means), God has used my self-defined CDO for character training.  Lots of it as it often seems.  A dear friend once asked me when would I quit trying to line all my little ducks up in a row since several times God has come along and blasted them out the water to try to break me of my utter need of control and order and predictability. Those of you who really know me can name the two "water blasts" trials that God allowed and faithfully led me through.  Yet, at times I once again try to line my ducks in a row, cross all my Ts and dot my Is and do everything in my might to make something work right on schedule exactly as planned.

Recently I wondered, "Hmmm...what was I thinking a year ago?  Where exactly did God have me, and where has he brought me over the past year?"  So I went to June 2011 in my blog and found this post titled "So Where Is My Rainbow".   Sounded intriguing so I clicked and read. 

Now I'm fairly certain that few readers of this post will actually click the link and read so I'll just recap....Basically
... I was frustrated and had a stinky attitude
... I was in the midst of a trial though I didn't give specifics (I know exactly what it was)
... I saw no rainbow in sight
... I challenged myself to define what God's blessings are and are not

Here's a quote:

Well, our outlook and attitude really depends on our definitions of blessings. If blessings are merely the good, cotton candy and rainbows stuff that happens that makes us happy and satisfied that things are just as we wanted or better, then I'm afraid we'll spend alot of life frustrated and disappointed. However, if blessings are events, circumstances or tangible things God brings into our lives to teach us and pave the way for even greater future "blessings" then we just might view life differently. Blessings could come by the way of God's favor or mercy in the midst of trials. Blessings could be disguised in unanswered prayer because God has something more in store. Blessings could be God revealing Himself personally to us in ways we never could experience except for on our knees. They teach us about ourselves and reveal God to us. Peace is not the absence of trouble, but the sustaining power and protection of God in the midst of them....Are blessings merely flesh appeasers? Are they limited to gain, profit or advantage? Or is healing of our souls, the eternal part of us that will carry into eternal life, the ultimate blessing?"

I'll tell you what the "Trial" was I wrote about...a child.  God had faithfully walked us through a three year lonely, frustrating road of infertility before we finally were blessed with Kendall.  My heart's desire was for another child but I seriously questioned if that would ever happen.  I was hesitant to face it again.  I doubted God's grace and riches.  I doubted if I could be "that blessed" again.  I knew that none of us are "deserving" of God's blessings and that there was nothing I could do to make myself worthy.  Still...I had lingering thoughts of self-doubt and if God really would choose to answer that prayer again since, after all, I should just be happy with what He had chosen to give me and I assume on the safe side that's all I would get. I believed He could/would do it for others, but that stinky, lingering voice of the enemy kept whispering doubt and fear into my very being. 

I begged God to take the desire away if it wasn't His will.  That bold statement is not so scary when we get a taste of God's sovereignty and indescribable love.  I finally was reckless enough to pray that prayer before Kendall and mean it when God opened my eyes to the truth behind the verse that says "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4.  It doesn't mean that if we love God enough, do enough, serve Him enough, sacrifice enough that we will earn the right for Him to bless us.  It doesn't even merely mean that when we wholeheartedly love Him that He in return chooses to grant us our heart's desire.

This verse is referring to reckless abandonment, being a living sacrifice...and a whole lot more.  God loves me more than I could ever understand.  He has plans for me I could not even dream up.  When I let go of my dreams (desires) and truly give them over to Him I have given Him freedom to work His will in my life.  And the best part is these let-go-dreams aren't a sacrifice after all.  God sees my empty heart void of all my desires that I've given to Him, molds, shapes and changes them into HIS desires for me, and gives it back to me.  I'm renewed with HIS plans.  And friends...He does not disappoint...He is faithful...and He makes ALL THINGS work for good.  My desires are now aligned, the same as, His desires.  I still have desires in my heart, but they are given from God. So what is not to trust?  I'm no longer holding onto MY hopes and dreams, but I'm clinging to The Rock Who Makes My Heart Sing.

Chris Tomlin wrote a song with the following lyrics:

There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

The full song is here... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEzEbtA9ba8

So anyway, I chose to trust God despite my feelings or hormones or anything else.  And some days it was a certified, conscious decision to choose to trust.  And once again God is faithful and we have a second precious daughter due in a matter of weeks.  But I also know if that had not been God's plan that I would be ok too.

So here I am...God having answered the "biggest" desire and I'm struggling to trust again with two "smaller" ones.  I really don't want to take another trip around the mountain so I am going to choose to trust that He has provided what I need and will answer in His perfect timing and not mine (which would make it late already).  I just wish it weren't so last minute.  My life often seems to be complicated when it comes to stuff like this.  My endearing Mom truthfully answered that God is building character in me.  Well, honestly, I sometimes feel like I've had my share of character building.  I just want to scream, "Enough of the character stuff!  I'm well stocked for now, thanks!" As another wise friend noted, also truthfully, "Carey Goza, for a girl who hates drama it seems to follow you!"  She can say that because 1) it's an accurate assessment and 2) God's provision in my situation directly affects her too so she's got a dog in the fight. 

I'm going to take my own advice and know that He who promised is faithful, and He won't leave me high and dry.  But really, everything from buying a lawnmower (there's really a story behind that one too) to getting pregnant is just complicated for the Gozas (and everything else that falls in between these two realms). That's just the way we roll. For once I want an easy, quick answer. You know...smooth sailing...no bumps in the road...no discomfort or waiting.  Regardless...I choose to know it'll work out exactly as it should, though not necessarily in my time frame parameters or the way I think is should be. After all, my perfectly crafted ducks are sitting here, floating all wet and threatening to drift out of order yet again.