Occupational Hazard

Lately I've been in a funk.  A melancholy, pathetic funk. The kind of funk where your brain is clouded but you know enough to know nothing is really wrong, so what's really wrong??

I really haven't said much about it. 

I haven't blogged because of it (other than a few cute pics of the kids). 

I don't know what caused it.

 I'm sick of it.

Oh I chalked it up to lingering remnants of post partum hormones, sleep deprivation and plain 'ole mommy brain.  And I do believe those factors played a part to mix a toxic storm. But I just couldn't shake it.  Brielle now pretty consistently sleeps all night, and that has helped.  I took up running to get some endorphins going, and fell off that high horse when the flu and teething, sub-freezing temps and stitches hit.  I'm busy with two kids and a part time job (which I happen to love) so it kept me mentally busy.

I just felt so sloth-like.  My BFF pegged it as sleep deprivation.  "It'll do crazy things to 'ya". 

But I really couldn't even pray about it.  Actually I had one prayer.  It was the words of a hymn, "Prone to wonder, Lord I feel it.  Prone to leave the God I love.  His my heart, Lord, take and seal it.  Seal it for Thy courts above."  In modern day, simple language, "God, hold on to me and don't let me go.  I know you are faithful to get me through this.  I choose to believe against how I feel.  Just hold me and don't let me go." Plain and simple.  I couldn't go deep in my prayers.  I just felt like I was hitting a wall.  But I know God is faithful.  I know He never forsakes me.  And I had to know there was a reason.

Enter the reason.

As I mentioned, I love my job. I'm in my second year of directing the mother's morning out at our church.  I had no idea what I was signing up for when I accepted the position.  Yes, I use my strong organizational and leadership skills  to keep up with all the bajillion details to keep the ministry functioning.  But I had no idea what would be the biggest challenge I would face.  Many of these families I have come to know through the MMO.  And though I've developed some relationships with moms, grandmas, and other random relatives, only few carry over into my personal life outside of work.

I'm amazed at how these moms open up to me, pour out their hearts and share their trials with me.  And one common theme has resonated through it all.

It can be summed up in one word...overwhelmed.

The mom whose unborn baby is labeled "at risk"...overwhelmed

The mom with newborn twins that don't sleep...overwhelmed

The mom taking care of her family and her ailing grandmother...overwhelmed

The mom whose child is displaying misbehavior...overwhelmed

The mom having to go back to work full time...overwhelmed

The mom looking for a diagnosis...overwhelmed

The mom who just moved here and whose husband is soon to be deployed...overwhelmed


And on I could go.

Notice a common theme??  Yep, overwhelmed.  That creepy little voice that whispers in your ear that you're alone, you can't handle this, you're not good enough.  A voice we've all entertained too much at times.  A voice that brings defeat when listened to.

Thunk! went the knowledge slapping me upside the head. A true Holy Spirit moment.  God lifted the veil over my eyes and brought the clarity I had been believing would come. 

One afternoon sitting in my office feeling none other than...overwhelmed...my boss lady (she's coined the phrase herself so it's all good) saw the look on my face and asked if I was ok and, naturally, what had happened. No one thing was wrong. It was just a summation of all the dejecting news and, for lack of a better word, overwhelming situations, that seemed to stare me in the face with each turn. And I told her exactly that .

She looked me straight on without missing a beat and dropped some knowledge on me, "And why do you think they come to you?? [she proceeded to answer her own question] Because they can trust you." Plain and simple. She laid it out.

Yes, God brings seasons of trial into our lives to teach us more of Him and to remind us that our only hope is Him.  But if we stop there we've missed a big piece of the puzzle.  Nothing happens in our lives just for us.  God intends to use it all for His glory, to bring His glory to others.  It was suddenly I realized that God allowed me to walk through that dark cloud to bring His glory to others, especially these moms that I have contact with.  It's not about me at all.  And if I would have continued my "woe is me" solitaire game, I would have missed the finish line that God wanted to lead me to. I'm His instrument for Him to minister to others as well.

So going back to "overwhelmed".  Being a mama is one of the hardest jobs on the planet for a lengthy list of reasons, but the main ones probably being that our children are our heart (so we can't afford to screw it all up), they don't come with a manual, and there is a wealth of "good advice" telling me all the things I "should" be doing to receive the label as "super star mom".  And all that unsolicited advice is often, well, overwhelming, especially when combined with other problems and situations we face.

Jesus said He came to give us abundant life, His grace is sufficient, and nothing we face is a stranger to Him.  So why am I so dejected?  Well, maybe I've just been listening to the wrong voice.  Or maybe God silently led me through a season where I had to trust His heart even when I couldn't trace His hand.

If there's one thing that's worth being overwhelming, it's God's lavish love for me and you. May that be the only overwhelming thought I entertain today.