Since my complete breakdown had occurred earlier in the week, I was able to be the glue holding this operation all together. I just focused on the motions. Dress. Eat. Comb hair. Nothing any deeper beyond that for fear of a secondary mini-breakdown. (I cried a little with Kendall the night before and totally lied and answered I was just so happy for her when she asked.) We were all a little nervous but none of us dared show it for anyone else's sake. Except Brielle. She just couldn't get past the wonder of why she was plucked out the bed so stinkin' early.
Recently I had purchased matching bracelets for Kendall and me to both wear on her first day. They were made up of each of our two favorite colors, purple and pink & orange and blue. She would know every time she looks at it that Mama is praying for her and my heart was with her.
It's really getting real now. We made it to the parking lot. One more picture with our bracelets.
Then...the walk. That walk seemed so short and long at the same time. I felt pretty good with how I seemed to really be staying calm and put together . I wouldn't let me mind go any further than concentrating on the sidewalk and holding Brielle's hand so she wouldn't wonder off in the constant of mamas, daddies and kindergartners on the same mission. Then I noticed the mamas and daddies walking against the flow. Without holding little hands. Headed back to the parking lot. We all seemed to feel the silent comradery. No one wanted to make eye contact for fear of a breakdown. (One mama was walking with her head down and on her phone while wiping her eyes. I knew she was talking to her OWN mama. Note to self...not the best time to call your mom. You'll break down for sure.) I was about to suffer the same fate as these parents in a few short minutes. And we ALL knew it. Oh dear. We're all in this together I told myself. I'm one of many mamas with these feelings today. I WILL survive this walk, drop off, and day. Then I reminded myself it wasn't about surviving the day, because tomorrow was gonna come along with next week, next year, and on. It was about embracing the change and accepting it despite the tenderness to the pain. It was about celebrating my child and her accomplishments. It was about cheering her own as she continues to grow in "wisdom, stature and favor with God and man". It was about enjoying the season of life God has led us to and thanking Him for His faithfulness in the past AND the future.
We're approaching the school now. Whew, one mini breakdown avoided. Good thing we had such a positive experience at open house the day before. Her teacher seemed PERFECT for her. She was all I had prayed for when praying for Kendall's specific needs. But I knew if I focused too much on God's goodness in the moment I would break down again so I turned my attention to the colored tile strip along the hall, reminding Kendall out loud to remember she's on the "green hall" so as to help her keep her bearings. You've done this yesterday, it's the same thing I reminded myself.
Then I met a co-worker in the halls who shares her duties with our church preschool and the public elementary school. She stopped to enthusiastically greet Kendall and me. As we walked off to turn into Kendall's class, she stopped us again. "You are in Mrs. L's class?!?! OH MY WORD. You are going to love her!! She is precious and such a good friend of mine!!" Then she got dangerously close into my face, "Kendall is SO BLESSED to have Mrs. L as her teacher. SO BLESSED!" At the same time God was speaking to me, "See, that's my confirmation. I've heard all your prayers. Kendall is going to be FINE." And THAT is the moment my mini breakdown happened.
Good thing I composed myself as we entered the crowded room of nervous kiddos and reluctant parents. I tried to turn my auto pilot back on so Kendall wouldn't suspect anything. We found her cubby and got her bags situated...
We smiled for a photo opp...
We took one last picture...
Then in one breath I kissed Kendall, told her I loved her and that I'd be waiting in carpool, and swooped Brielle up before she had opportunity to reorganize the classroom and whisked us all out of there (Gabe I think gave one extra glance back but I didn't have the courage). I didn't turn around once. And I made it a point to smile to the nervous parents I passed on the way back to the car, fake as it may have seemed. And I didn't call my mom. And I didn't make too much eye contact with Gabe when we said our goodbyes as he headed to work. But I DID stare at the clock for the remainder of the school day more times than I ever knew possible. And I was waiting in carpool with a big smile on my face.
One down, one hundred seventy nine to go. Times twelve. That's all??!
No comments:
Post a Comment